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I often meet people who talk to me about their arguments and recurring disagreements. They tell me about “things,” but I don’t see the things.
If we quiet down and observe, we’ll start to hear our instinct.
If we ask ourselves what exactly we’re reacting to, we’ll hear something different—something deeply our own, something we’ve forgotten we ever learned, and which now feels like part of who we are.
We don’t argue about things—we argue about values.
We negotiate how strong or weak we feel, and how much control we have in the relationship.
We negotiate whether and how much we trust the relationship we’ve built—and, more deeply, how much we trust ourselves and the other person.
We negotiate the ways we give and receive care, how close or far we want and can bear to be.
We negotiate our need for our emotions, thoughts, and desires to be respected—and to be seen for who we are.
These are values expressed through our needs and expectations—through what we hope for and long for.
By creating an erotic communication that expresses how we feel—rather than what the other is doing wrong—we can ease the tension in our dynamics and open space for real connection and communication about what we truly need.
A kind of communication that says, “I feel this way when you do that.”
A kind of communication that doesn’t judge—but listens, and invites togetherness.
