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In our lives, we use mechanisms of thought to create emotions and situations in which we feel familiar. The self-fulfilling prophecy is one such tool, a melting pot of old behavioralpatterns meant to satisfy our basic needs.
How do we construct a self-fulfilling prophecy?
Our beliefs and expectations influence our behaviour toward others and shape the course of a situation. The more strongly we believe that our predictions will come true, the more we act in ways that confirm them.
The quality of our thoughts determines the way we see the world, how we choose people in our lives, and our actions. By creating and feeding thoughts that tell ourselves we are not enough, that we don’t deserve to be loved, or that we cannot trust others, we invite people to treat us in ways that make our own stance the appropriate response. In other words, we set up the conditions that justify our behavior, since it ultimately confirms our original belief.
The self-fulfilling prophecy works like a circular pattern. Our actions toward others influence their beliefs about us, which in turn affect their actions toward us, and then reinforce our beliefs about ourselves.
One example is when someone assumes in advance that the person they are dating is "not relationship material." Because of this prejudice, they won’t take the relationship seriously or invest in it. The other person, seeing that their partner is distant or seems unavailable, will not try or stay close. This will then cause the first partner to leave, confirming their original expectation.
We see that, in a way, we prejudge the outcome by creating the dynamics in the relationship’s communication.
Where does the need to use this mechanism come from?
The self-fulfilling prophecy is often tied to our basic needs. If, within our family relationships, we received particular negative (or even positive) images of ourselves and of how people connect and communicate — and we believed them strongly enough that they became part of our identity — it makes sense that we feel the need to keep confirming them. That way, we can feel safe, in control, or accepted by others.
It is possible that, because our important caregivers were unable to protect us or make us feel safe when we were children, we developed this mechanism. If we don’t know other ways of meeting our needs, we will use the ones we once learned — even though, by now, they may be more harmful than helpful.
Why do we use this mechanism?
The self-fulfilling prophecy is, at an unconscious level, our attempt to redefine the earliest experiences we had of communication and relationships and to rewrite our story. It is part of the roles we play in our relationships as children, parents, or partners, and is linked to the expectations others have of us.
It is, in some sense, a kind of faith in ourselves that we can make things go the way we know them to. By using this mechanism, we can be certain that our thoughts are as we have learned them to be, and that our relationships with people will unfold in the familiar ways we know they will in our lives!
What can we do about it?
First, it is helpful to become aware — on our own or with the support of a specialist — of the elements of this process and the ways we communicate our beliefs, so that we can recognize our power over situations.
Since we feel familiar with this mechanism, we could use it to our advantage: by strengthening the beliefs that empower us and create opportunities in our lives, changing the way we communicate, and therefore changing the ways we connect with people.
If we believe in the values that are important to us, we will communicate those values through our behaviour, and others will connect with us through them, responding with corresponding behaviours.
(This text was published in the print and online edition of the newspaper Hellenic DNA in New York.)