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In an effort to reflect on our lives, we realize that we are constantly in situations where we must part from people, relationships, and phases of our lives in order to move on to the next ones. We become the stories we tell ourselves, and our story is disrupted with every new loss we must process.
What do we mean when we talk about grief?
We often think that grief only concerns death. In reality, however, we are called to mourn any change, whether small or large, that occurs in our lives. Every change is also a loss. A breakup from a romantic relationship, the evolution of a relationship over time, changing a job—even if it’s for a better one—or the transition from pregnancy to the arrival of a child, all constitute parts of our lives that we leave behind and need to grieve.
What happens when we experience a loss in our lives?
Our families rarely teach us how to face losses. The most common reaction is to avoid the pain, not knowing how to communicate our feelings and thoughts, usually out of fear of the unknown and the lack of power we feel in the face of it. Losing something means we are forced to recount events differently, and the more significant the loss, the more difficult the process of imagining a new narrative—a life without what has been lost. Very often, we refuse to accept the fact, avoiding it as an attempt to protect ourselves from what we feel. We freeze and remain motionless at the point we are, without processing or interpreting the event. Our certainties are shaken, and the order and organization of our lives are disrupted. We feel that nothing makes sense anymore and that the pain is so overwhelming it crushes us.
Loss is, above all, a fragmentation of our identity. In death, we lose pieces of ourselves in relation to the other; we lose the relationship and the qualities we had built together, and we find ourselves in the imaginary space of the relationship without that person. “I don’t know who I am now that I can’t see myself reflected in their eyes,” said a client, trying to describe the confusion she experienced after her breakup.
What can we do during the period of grief?
There are as many ways to grieve as there are to love. It is very important to understand that grief is a highly personal process and requires its own unique time to unfold. Everything is normal and acceptable since each of us has different needs and prioritizes them in our own way. Grieving can occur after the event itself, even years later, when we feel ready to surrender to the experience. Accepting the event that has disrupted our life and allowing space for pain and other emotions to be felt is a step toward reconnecting with ourselves and opening a dialogue for adapting to change. It is a form of self-care to recognize and communicate what we need to do or say—or not do or say. When these needs are suppressed, the sense of unreality is strengthened, distancing us from contact with ourselves, even if temporarily relieving.
How do we continue our lives after a loss?
Adapting to loss is an active process, in which we relearn the world and ourselves, even if it is experienced as a period of weakness and confusion. By “passing through” emotions and thoughts, they gradually find their place in the narrative of our life, a less disturbing place that allows us to gain new perspectives for organizing our relationships and giving a new place to what has been lost.
Reconstructing meaning is perhaps the most dynamic part of this process. We need to understand and explain the significance of events so that they make sense to us, preventing gaps in our personal story. The uncertain and unclear create a sense of insecurity and confusion that can torment us without knowing what to do.
At some point in the grieving process, we begin to imagine new images of ourselves, set goals, and express desires, allowing ourselves to feel satisfaction and joy without the guilt of betrayal that might arise from our own capacity for life.
Ultimately, it is difficult but important to understand that we are made up of all that we have lost and the ways we chose to retell our life afterward—together with these losses.
(This text was published in the print and online newspaper Hellenic DNA, New York)